Version1’s Esports Horoscopes For September 2022

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Version1 logo at the top of the image. Text: "Esports Horoscopes September 2022." Starry purple background. All twelve astrological signs are in a row at the bottom.

Capricorn
(December 22 – January 19)

 

Capricorn astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

Oh dear. Capricorn, perhaps this is the month you leave the ranked games to those with cooler heads. You’re normally logical and calm, but you’re on track to start overthinking your every move and your performance will suffer as a result. For you, Capricorn, this is a vicious and self-perpetuating cycle. After your third loss of the day, resist the urge to queue up for another game.

Your mindset is going to be in shambles this entire month, and the more ranked games you play, the worse it’s going to get. Stick to casual, focus on having fun, and learn how to fall in love with the game again.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

Your team has a satisfying month ahead of them. The exact details of their success are a bit unclear, but maybe it’s better that way. There’s a chance they make a deep tournament run, but it’s more likely that the best part of your month is going to be watching them systematically destroy their longtime rivals.

Aquarius
(January 20 – February 18)

 

Aquarius astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

Dearest Aquarius, while your play forecast for this month is excellent, we’d encourage you to take a few timid steps outside of your gaming lair—but you’ve got something important you need to take care of before you interact with the general public.

There’s nothing wrong with grinding games, but you’re putting the “rank” in “ranked matchmaking.”

Yes, beloved Aquarius, it’s time to take a shower.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll be tempted to tear your branded jersey to absolute shreds and light it on fire.

Put down the gasoline, Aquarius, and please, don’t post that tweet.

Why? Because we’re predicting an unexpected comeback that will have your blood pressure sky high and your team soaring beyond your wildest expectations by the end of the month.

Pisces
(February 19 – March 20)

 

Pisces astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

When’s the last time you learned a new technique? Done some real, genuine, honest-to-goodness training? Well, school’s back in for everyone now, Pisces—time to hone your skills with some good ol’ fashioned practice.

No, you aren’t going to mysteriously develop godlike skills overnight. Yes, you are going to need to spend some time watching YouTubers that you can’t stand.

You might have to wait until next month for your practice to pay off, but once you’ve put in the time (and effort), you’re going to wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

Oof. I don’t know how to tell you this Pisces. I’m so sorry for your losses. These upcoming games are going to be rough. Even if you’re wearing your lucky underwear, knocking on wood, and praying to a pantheon of gods for winning, anything short of a virgin sacrifice won’t be able to save your team from their own fumbling fingers.

Aries
(March 21 – April 19)

 

Aries astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

Aries! Wow. Your confidence is giving you the supernatural strength required to put your teammates in your backpack, pat their sweet little heads, and carry them to a satisfying victory.

Aries, we’re all happy for you. But be aware that later in the month, your unrelenting success is going to attract some toxicity from your opponents. Be the bigger person and don’t engage. You’re better than that.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

I certainly hope you weren’t particularly invested in the outcome of the next few games. Perhaps a short hiatus from social media is in order. We know there’s nothing we can say to you that would stop you from tuning in to watch their matches, but when you do, be prepared for some mental anguish.

Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)

 

Taurus astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

Good god, Taurus, have you peeked at your in-game hours lately? When was the last time you saw your IRL friends?

Well, in our opinion, it was absolutely worth it because you have been on FIRE. Absolute domination is what you’ve been breathing and sleeping—but please remember to take some time away from the game this month.

Your body may not be a temple, but even the most neglected of gas stations occasionally clean their bathrooms—take from that metaphor what you will.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

Hey, not bad! Well, not good, either. Seems that your team has been running in the middle of their pack. They’re doing better than last year, so you can’t complain right? Right? Taurus, right?

Gemini
(May 21 – June 20)

 

Gemini astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

Gemini, you’re going to get permabanned at this rate.

I know the temptation to lead by fear is powerful, but get a grip. If you keep it up, you’re only going to be farming reports instead of spicy clips to post on your YouTube channel. Do everyone a favor and disable the microphone on your headset.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

Your underdog favorites are putting forward a strong showing this month! You’ve been keeping your excitement to yourself, but remember that it’s okay to show your support. Cheer your little heart out—keep copypasting in Twitch chat and tell the players they’re amazing on Twitter.

But Gemini, we need you to keep your expectations in check. Remember, they’re underdogs for a reason. If their miracle run comes to an end, don’t stop showing ‘em your love and appreciation.

Cancer
(June 21 – July 22)

 

Cancer astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

Cancer, we’d like to introduce you to the mute function. For your happiness this month, I strongly suggest you implement it judiciously—if you don’t, you’re only going to get progressively more and more tilted as the month goes on.

You have a habit of interpreting comments from your teammates as insults, and it’s not doing you any favors, Cancer. If you focus on your own gameplay, you’re going to have a good month.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

Hey, things aren’t all doom and gloom. Your roster is looking strong, your jerseys are freshly washed, and you’re ready to hop in a Discord call with your mates to watch their games together.

There might be some bumps along the road—the words “lower bracket” come to mind—but your team is going to deliver an impressive performance that reminds you why you’re a fan.

Leo
(July 23 – August 22)

 

Leo astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

Sweet balls of fire, Leo! You’re absolutely killing it lately! This month, you need to make sure you don’t let your ego get in the way of progress.

Your confidence is great, but confidence can easily become arrogance, and arrogance will lose you games this month.

Thankfully, our advice is relatively straightforward. Keep a level head about your own skills, ask your friends for the occasional roast to stay humble, and keep on grinding this month.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

Nobody can win ‘em all, and you’re going to need to be okay with that this month. Remember, these aren’t the last matches they’ll ever play. Hang in there, Leo. In the meantime, we’ll only judge you a little bit if you start getting into physical sports to soothe the pain.

Virgo
(August 23 – September 22)

 

Virgo astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

Virgo, you’ve got a decent month ahead of you. You’re going to go on a few winning streaks, and honestly, after last month, this is the morale boost you desperately need.

We do feel the need to gently remind you that this upcoming success is partially due to the fact you’ve stopped unintentionally griefing your teammates.

Watch some old replays of your games and you’ll see what we’re talking about.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

This is kind of weird, Virgo, but we hope you understand. After carefully studying our charts, we were unable to make any predictions about what your favorite team’s month looks like.

Strange, right? This might mean that a big roster shakeup is in the works, but honestly, it could be anything.

Libra
(September 23 – October 22)

 

Libra astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

Libra, it’s been a while since payday. Is that the reason you’ve stopped spending exorbitant amounts on microtransactions for cosmetics that you never use? Libra, you may be predictable, but you’re never boring.

Based on what your month is looking like, there’s never been a better time to snag those Version1 items you’ve had an eye on in the store. You look great in purple.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

Bad news, we’re afraid. Find some healthy coping techniques to help you deal with the painful aftermath of these upcoming matches.

Consider yoga, a nice hot bath, or even venturing out for a nice walk and touching that weird green stuff you see all over the ground—it’s called grass, and we suggest you try touching it to see what all the fuss is about.

Scorpio
(October 23 – November 21)

 

Scorpio astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

How does that phrase go, Scorpio? Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee? Well, you’re going to be flailing like a wriggling kitten and hitting like a baby mouse this month.

Based on what we’re seeing, you might end up in someone else’s fail compilation.

Yikes! Maybe this is a good month for a temporary gamertag change.

Remember, everyone has bad days—or in your case, bad months. Don’t take it personally if you notice that your friends suddenly only want to queue up for unranked games when you’re in the party. We’re hoping next month is better for you, but we can’t make any promises.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

Your neighbors are getting sick of hearing you blast Queen’s “We Are The Champions” for the eighth consecutive hour in a row. We know you’re pleased with the results your team is putting up, but we’re going to suggest you savor these moments while they last.

Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)

 

Sagittarius astrological sign against a purple background.

 

Your Gameplay Forecast

Sagittarius, we’re going to be blunt. You are not the main character. This month, you’re going to get a bit of a wake up call.

We’re happy that you’re confident and passionate about winning, but there’s no “i” in team, friend. Yes, there is an “i” in victory, you pedantic brat, but this is EXACTLY what we’re talking about.

Share the glory, you fiend!

The sooner you stop going into games with the mindset that you’re the only one capable of securing a win, the better. For everyone.

Your Favorite Team’s Forecast

Thank goodness. Your favorite team is rocking a playstyle that’s the exact opposite of the egomaniacal intensity you’ve been bringing to the table in your ranked games. Watching their games is (hopefully) going to remind you of the fact that good players work with their teams. Please, take a page out of their book.

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